Why I Wrote You Out

So, your probably thinking I deleted you from my will, deleted most your posts, the page i wrote about how much u mean to me & all the shit we've been through with that picture of u looking adorable & sweet at the zoo because I hate you. Well, its exactly the opposite to be honest with you my tortoise...

I love you so much. I love you like I never knew anybody could love anyone, ever. Ive always struggled with the world. Right from small I never really understood the concept of love,I never really understood why anyone would or could ever love me. I loved my family but I loved them because I knew I was supposed to, because they took care of me and frankly there were a lot of times when I couldn't really emotionally feel it I just knew that its what was supposed to be done. To be completely honest with you beautiful Ive told women I loved them before. I told them because they wanted to hear it, I told them because I didn't want them to feel hurt, I told them so they wouldn't leave me alone because when I'm alone that's when the bad things, the monster really takes over & he takes over so fast. But you, you are the only woman I ever told I loved & meant it. Your the only woman I ever told I loved and meant it with every fibre of my being, every beat of my heart, every tear drop from my eyes, every breathe of my lungs, with every cell in my body. To me, you were the be all & end all of life. My future. You see, when I used to tell you that you were my everything I meant it. You really were my everything. I really did believe that maybe, just maybe you could love me back even just a fraction of how much I love you. I really believed I finally had a future, a real reason to live, someone who made me want to fight the monster, a reason to keep him at bay.

I wrote you out of my life because the of things you did. The pain you caused me that kept me awake at nights & made me miserable and angry and frankly a dick at times. Those things, those things finished off what little was left of me. What little was left of my soul. You handed me over to the monster all gift wrapped with a bow on me. You were my cryptonite. When I was weak you were the one thing that could have kept me going, that could have given me hope, that could have made me strong. For a while I put up a fight and i tried doing just that baby but the hurt, the damage, the paranoia & the pain, they were too much for me. They fed the monster too well baby. They made him grow stronger than ever before & now he has his hands firmly clasped around my neck just waiting to squeeze that last breath from my lungs, the final beat from my heart, steal those last muttered words from my mouth.

I wrote you out of my life because I love you more than anybody could ever love another human being. More than life itself. More than anyone in this world could ever fully understand. I wrote you out because the monster wanted you in to help make him strong. I wrote you out to buy myself a few extra days or weeks or months. I wrote you out because you are all that has ever mattered to me.

Goodbye beautiful. I love you, always xx

Last Will & Testament

Firstly, may I apologise for the rushed slightly odd layout of this all but I never really had that much time to plan it.

I do not wish to be buried. I cant imagine anything worse than being locked in a box to lie there and rot for hundreds of years. I want to be cremated. I want a small service family, close friends. Nothing major. The Lords Prayer (I like to cover my basis) no hymns, no church songs or other prayers just two songs. Firstly I want Folsom Prison Blues by Johnny Cash but id prefer it sung by my cousin Travis. He was my best friend when we were younger and with out him I don’t think I would of ever made it through my childhood. He was les like my cousin and more like my brother and I loved him with all of me and I have always kept a special place in my heart for him. Secondly I want See You On The Other Side by Dropkick Murphy’s.

I don’t want to be scattered in England. I want my father to take me home to south Africa. I want to be scattered in 3 places. Firstly I want to be scattered in my favourite place in the world 1A Vista Avenue in the garden, so I can be there forever playing in my garden as a little boy running beneath the trees and in the bush feeling the grass against my feet and the sun on my face. Secondly I want to be taken down to Durban beach where I spent so many Sunday afternoons with my family as a child and scattered in the water, so that I may one day be in all the oceans, all the rivers and streams, all the taps of the world. Lastly I want to b scattered in Gods country, in the Drakensburg mountains. The one place I could have lived out the rest of my life in peace if I had chosen to stay. The Drakensburg has always been very special to me. Right from early childhood I have so many beautiful, peaceful, happy memory’s there and if I have one regret in life it is that I never returned to my home and lived out the remainder of my life in those beautiful mountains.


To my father. I am so proud of you. You have been my hero since my earliest memory’s. As a child you were like superman to me but as I grew older you became more human, more fragile…and this made you even more of a hero to me. A man who sacrificed so much, who worked so hard, who did his best for us no matter what it cost him or how much it hurt. Father you are without a doubt the greatest man I have ever met, my hero, my best friend, the king of my world and the king of my heart.

To my mother. You are my mother, I will always love you. You gave me so much care and happiness as a child and I know later in life I grew angry with you, things became awkward. You made some mistakes, maybe not in the actions you took but in the way you took them. I forgive you mummy. I never stopped loving you and I always will.

To my big sister, Rachel, I was always so in awe of you s a child. You were like my idol. So smart and popular and athletic. Awkward at times, being a young adolescent boy who wishes he was more like his sister haha but you were my idol. I wanted to be just like you. I wanted to be cool just like my big sister so much that I follwed you around and drove you nuts to the point where you hated me or terrorised me…and well in honesty nothing has really changed since childhood. I still envy you, im still proud of you (even though you like dating douche bags), I still wish I could be just a fraction as intelligent and hard working and brilliant as you are. ..and I still love you and idolise you with every beat of my heart even though you don’t see that. I love you. I will miss you. I always miss the times we were little and would play banks in your bedroom window or walk around grandpas farm. I hope if there’s an afterlife, maybe I can get some of those days back.

Thank you for respecting my wishes and may you all find happiness in life without the extra weight of the burden that I present. I thank you all for everything you have ever given me in life, love, happiness, support and loyalty. I love you.

Goodbye, see you on the other side xx

In The Beginning

In the beginning there was a little boy. He wasn't very smart, he wasn't anything close to normal in appearance, he wasn't particularly athletic (in fact he kind of sucked at everything he ever did), he wasn't remotely fucking normal and, well, in summation he was different. He never had very many friends, he was called names, beaten with everything from fists & feet to rocks & sticks, spat on, called names, belittled, embarrassed & put down every chance the world got...because he kind of deserved it! I mean, he was dirt, shit, scum, filth, nothing. He always knew he was different, always felt different than others. He learnt to smile, learnt to laugh, learnt to pretend to care about a lot of things that other people care about because it was just easier than always being the odd one out. But in his heart, he always knew that he wasn't like the others. I mean, he wasn't special, he was dirt. He knew he was broken inside, missing vital pieces that make people people. Important parts that he didn't have, that made him think different and feel different and because of that made him behave different. He always felt so sad inside, such deep sorrow. He never truly understood man's world. Never understood why people feel what they feel or do what they do. He was always confused and lost and sad and broken. The only thing he was ever sure of was that he was always meant to be nothing.

One day he woke up and he was a grown man. He was no better off. He'd had had a string of shit jobs, fumbled his way through school and college and a degree, had a series of dysfunctional relationships (surprise surprise)and had made a long list of fucked up choices and atrocious failures in life. All in all he was a disappointment to himself, to society but most of all to his family. He was still dirt, still scum, still shit, still nothing...in fact in all those years from aged 4 to age 25 the only thing he had truly learnt was that maybe some of us are just supposed to be broken. Maybe some of us are supposed to die young or kill ourselves. Maybe we're just another extension of natural selection.

So that's pretty much where we are today. I mean yeah, there's plenty of things that happened between then and now but to waste precious time distracting ourselves with these details would be to detour from the end result, the present. So, let the show begin...