In the beginning there was a little boy. He wasn't very smart, he wasn't anything close to normal in appearance, he wasn't particularly athletic (in fact he kind of sucked at everything he ever did), he wasn't remotely fucking normal and, well, in summation he was different. He never had very many friends, he was called names, beaten with everything from fists & feet to rocks & sticks, spat on, called names, belittled, embarrassed & put down every chance the world got...because he kind of deserved it! I mean, he was dirt, shit, scum, filth, nothing. He always knew he was different, always felt different than others. He learnt to smile, learnt to laugh, learnt to pretend to care about a lot of things that other people care about because it was just easier than always being the odd one out. But in his heart, he always knew that he wasn't like the others. I mean, he wasn't special, he was dirt. He knew he was broken inside, missing vital pieces that make people people. Important parts that he didn't have, that made him think different and feel different and because of that made him behave different. He always felt so sad inside, such deep sorrow. He never truly understood man's world. Never understood why people feel what they feel or do what they do. He was always confused and lost and sad and broken. The only thing he was ever sure of was that he was always meant to be nothing.
One day he woke up and he was a grown man. He was no better off. He'd had had a string of shit jobs, fumbled his way through school and college and a degree, had a series of dysfunctional relationships (surprise surprise)and had made a long list of fucked up choices and atrocious failures in life. All in all he was a disappointment to himself, to society but most of all to his family. He was still dirt, still scum, still shit, still nothing...in fact in all those years from aged 4 to age 25 the only thing he had truly learnt was that maybe some of us are just supposed to be broken. Maybe some of us are supposed to die young or kill ourselves. Maybe we're just another extension of natural selection.
So that's pretty much where we are today. I mean yeah, there's plenty of things that happened between then and now but to waste precious time distracting ourselves with these details would be to detour from the end result, the present. So, let the show begin...
You are the most beautiful being I have ever laid my eyes on and will ever lay my eyes on. I know you will never believe that, but you make yourself never believe that, you won’t allow yourself and you don’t want to let yourself, because you don’t want to let your guard down, in exactly the same way you won’t let yourself be loved by me, that’s why you have left me again.
ReplyDeleteI know I fucked you over in the beginning, and I know you will never forgive me for it, and I know you will probably just delete this comment but please all I ask is for you to read it to the end, I know I don’t deserve your acknowledgement, your time, your company and your love. I know I don’t deserve you, and I know I’m a skank, I know all that. I’m just asking you to read this to the end.
I love you with everything I hate inside of me, and I know it might not be a lot, and it might not be enough for you, but it’s my everything and my everything will grow the better I get. I know you find it hard to deal with because I’m so hell-bent on being skinny, and I won’t let myself believe I’m 'beautiful' and 'worthy' and actually have a single ounce of potential, but I try everyday and you never give me any credit for that, you think you find it hard, and I know you are in a very hard situation and I expect too much of you. But I ask you to please just put yourself in my shoes for 2 seconds, because it’s harder being on the other side of anorexia, it’s harder to look in the mirror and cry over your reflection that it is to see someone cry over their reflection. It’s harder to hold all your emotions back so the other person doesn’t get angry with you, then it is to be the person having to listen when the emotions are finally let out. It’s harder to be the person who knows they lost you because of something they have let taken over their life than it is to be the person who left because of it, and it’s harder to be the person who knows every day they are taking a day away from their future, from themselves and from their loved ones because they would rather count calories than it is to be the person it’s taken away from.
I love you so much, and I was so very willing to go into recovery for you, if you just sorted it out for me, because I can’t sort it out for myself, I just run at every opportunity I get away from the truth. I honestly don’t seem myself with a future if I don’t have you, ha-ha, I mean what is a future if you aren’t in it, I can’t even think of it. It’s ridiculous that within 4 months I can fall for someone, rest my whole life on their shoulders, and that’s such a selfish thing to do on my part, because I decided to put my life in your hands when I shouldn’t of, it was too soon, and it was too much for you to deal with, and that’s why you cracked.
(...)
You are the most beautiful being I have ever laid my eyes on and will ever lay my eyes on. I know you will never believe that, but you make yourself never believe that, you won’t allow yourself and you don’t want to let yourself, because you don’t want to let your guard down, in exactly the same way you won’t let yourself be loved by me, that’s why you have left me again.
ReplyDeleteI know I fucked you over in the beginning, and I know you will never forgive me for it, and I know you will probably just delete this comment but please all I ask is for you to read it to the end, I know I don’t deserve your acknowledgement, your time, your company and your love. I know I don’t deserve you, and I know I’m a skank, I know all that. I’m just asking you to read this to the end.
I love you with everything I hate inside of me, and I know it might not be a lot, and it might not be enough for you, but it’s my everything and my everything will grow the better I get. I know you find it hard to deal with because I’m so hell-bent on being skinny, and I won’t let myself believe I’m 'beautiful' and 'worthy' and actually have a single ounce of potential, but I try everyday and you never give me any credit for that, you think you find it hard, and I know you are in a very hard situation and I expect too much of you. But I ask you to please just put yourself in my shoes for 2 seconds, because it’s harder being on the other side of anorexia, it’s harder to look in the mirror and cry over your reflection that it is to see someone cry over their reflection. It’s harder to hold all your emotions back so the other person doesn’t get angry with you, then it is to be the person having to listen when the emotions are finally let out. It’s harder to be the person who knows they lost you because of something they have let taken over their life than it is to be the person who left because of it, and it’s harder to be the person who knows every day they are taking a day away from their future, from themselves and from their loved ones because they would rather count calories than it is to be the person it’s taken away from.
I love you so much, and I was so very willing to go into recovery for you, if you just sorted it out for me, because I can’t sort it out for myself, I just run at every opportunity I get away from the truth. I honestly don’t seem myself with a future if I don’t have you, ha-ha, I mean what is a future if you aren’t in it, I can’t even think of it. It’s ridiculous that within 4 months I can fall for someone, rest my whole life on their shoulders, and that’s such a selfish thing to do on my part, because I decided to put my life in your hands when I shouldn’t of, it was too soon, and it was too much for you to deal with, and that’s why you cracked.
ReplyDeleteI’m sorry I wasted so much time of your life, but I just wanted to let you know every moment that I knew you were mine was beautiful, and every time I saw your eyes, your smile, felt your hands, your body and every time I heard your voice it made something blossom inside of me than disappeared when I was a little girl. I just want to thank you for making me survive that little bit longer and for letting me experience love and happiness, even if it was for a short time, because it’s something I never thought I would experience, and I now know it’s the most special and beautiful thing in the world, and because of that I realise why you left me, because I don’t deserve love, don’t deserve beauty or joy or happiness, I don’t deserve a future and I don’t deserve you all because I am selfish and something only the devil could of made.
I’m sorry for falling in love with you, and I’m sorry but I’ve never going to fall out of love with you, you are the only one for me, but I understand I am not the only one for you, I understand that there are better things out there for you, and I will, in time, accept that even if I don’t want to. Hopefully I’ll never have to meet the time where I have to accept it, because hopefully the devil will soon take me back to where I belong and I will no longer be able to destroy souls, lives, smiles, happiness, peace, no longer destroy you, me, us, no longer destroy the earth with my very presence.
I love you, I’m so sorry for being such a horrible person, I should of never inflicted myself upon you. I’ve know from a very young age that I’m evil and that I shouldn’t be put near people. I’m so sorry, I wish I could turn back the clocks on everything I did, right back to when I first saw your picture and decided to email you, I should of made the best decision for you then and never emailed, your life would of been filled with a lot more happiness if I didn’t, I’m sorry for making you waste your time on me.