Why I Wrote You Out

So, your probably thinking I deleted you from my will, deleted most your posts, the page i wrote about how much u mean to me & all the shit we've been through with that picture of u looking adorable & sweet at the zoo because I hate you. Well, its exactly the opposite to be honest with you my tortoise...

I love you so much. I love you like I never knew anybody could love anyone, ever. Ive always struggled with the world. Right from small I never really understood the concept of love,I never really understood why anyone would or could ever love me. I loved my family but I loved them because I knew I was supposed to, because they took care of me and frankly there were a lot of times when I couldn't really emotionally feel it I just knew that its what was supposed to be done. To be completely honest with you beautiful Ive told women I loved them before. I told them because they wanted to hear it, I told them because I didn't want them to feel hurt, I told them so they wouldn't leave me alone because when I'm alone that's when the bad things, the monster really takes over & he takes over so fast. But you, you are the only woman I ever told I loved & meant it. Your the only woman I ever told I loved and meant it with every fibre of my being, every beat of my heart, every tear drop from my eyes, every breathe of my lungs, with every cell in my body. To me, you were the be all & end all of life. My future. You see, when I used to tell you that you were my everything I meant it. You really were my everything. I really did believe that maybe, just maybe you could love me back even just a fraction of how much I love you. I really believed I finally had a future, a real reason to live, someone who made me want to fight the monster, a reason to keep him at bay.

I wrote you out of my life because the of things you did. The pain you caused me that kept me awake at nights & made me miserable and angry and frankly a dick at times. Those things, those things finished off what little was left of me. What little was left of my soul. You handed me over to the monster all gift wrapped with a bow on me. You were my cryptonite. When I was weak you were the one thing that could have kept me going, that could have given me hope, that could have made me strong. For a while I put up a fight and i tried doing just that baby but the hurt, the damage, the paranoia & the pain, they were too much for me. They fed the monster too well baby. They made him grow stronger than ever before & now he has his hands firmly clasped around my neck just waiting to squeeze that last breath from my lungs, the final beat from my heart, steal those last muttered words from my mouth.

I wrote you out of my life because I love you more than anybody could ever love another human being. More than life itself. More than anyone in this world could ever fully understand. I wrote you out because the monster wanted you in to help make him strong. I wrote you out to buy myself a few extra days or weeks or months. I wrote you out because you are all that has ever mattered to me.

Goodbye beautiful. I love you, always xx